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”Save me, O God, for the waters have risen to my neck. I am sunk in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.” (Psalm 69, Catholic Bible)

In the „Mire” of Depression

Depression has „stolen” a significant part of my life. For years, I was in psychotherapy, trying to find the answer to my unhappiness and inner turmoil. The first question asked in therapy is: „What do you want?”. I never knew how to answer very clearly. I didn’t think in positive terms, such as: „I want to be happy,” but rather in terms that expressed a deep desire to escape: „I want to escape the suffering, the inner void, and sometimes… even life itself.”

Psychologists believe that people are inherently good. Albert Ellis used to say that even Hitler had a dose of goodness because he loved his mother and his dog. I was too weary of my thoughts and too preoccupied with myself to discern the „rays” of goodness in a person. I only saw the surface, and I truly felt people’s presence only when they disturbed me.

Psychotherapists were like a second family to me because they taught me self-education and provided the necessary tools for self-discovery. While I used to split hairs over my thoughts and sink even deeper into depression, they taught me how to „split hairs” effectively—meaning, to seek the deep motivations behind my behaviors and to act rationally.

Psychotherapy sessions always anchored me in reality; they gave me a sense that I had some relative control over my life. This brought me a certain relief. However, the idea that people are inherently good did not convince me. I was convinced that „man is a wolf to man,” as Thomas Hobbes famously put it.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Looking around, I noticed that there are two categories of people: the first includes those whom suffering makes bitter, and the second, those who rise above suffering and transform it into wisdom. I have always admired those in the second category. How do they do it?

Viktor E. Frankl said that suffering makes you more human to the extent that you find meaning in it. Rather, he said, you are ill when nothing affects you at all.

Over the years, however, I was not content to turn only to psychologists to „rid” me of my suffering; I also turned to the highest authority: God. In fact, that is exactly how I viewed him for many years: as an authority capable of healing my depression. It is true that God is omnipotent and can heal any disease, but one cannot bargain with God. I had misunderstood that God is up there and is only good for fulfilling our desires.

It was difficult for me to understand his true nature—not that it could ever be fully grasped by our limited minds—but the essence of the Bible, namely that God is love, was slow to penetrate my mind and soul.

However, when I understood that God is not a distant entity but a loving Father, I began to reclaim my identity as a lost daughter who has returned to the banquet given by the Father in her honor.

This does not mean that the depression has completely vanished, nor does it mean that the problems have dissolved, but I now have different eyes with which to see them. They no longer bring me to my knees; instead, they have become windows and doors through which I invite God into my life.

The Image of God in People

I built this blog as a testament to the fact that darkness does not have the final word, and that depression, or any other suffering, is a natural part of life. What is not natural, however, is to allow ourselves to be defeated, embittered, and soured by suffering. What I can say from my own experience is that by allowing God and those close to me to show me the way out of the darkness, I began to see things from a different perspective.

Reason and Faith

The person who has had an immense influence on how I understand Christianity today is the Catholic Bishop Robert Barron. He has often emphasized that our forms of suffering or addiction express a thirst for God that has gone down the wrong path.

Recently, I enrolled in the online courses of the institute he founded—Word on Fire. It is a vast space where people discover lives full of meaning. One of the themes most frequently discussed in this community is the modern conflict between faith and reason, science and religion. For a long time, I too was convinced that these were in conflict, but many studies in the field of psychology, for example, demonstrate that Christian virtues provide people with meaning and purpose in life.

Psychologists also demonstrate that happiness is not a fleeting state born of self-sufficiency, but rather the inner peace that comes from the security of being seen, heard, protected, and loved by the very Author of your life: God.

Communion and Gratitude

In this blog, I will address many topics that explore the relationship between faith and science, and I invite you on this journey to discover together how we can move from the darkness of suffering—which can stem from the „leaden weight” of trauma—to the light of understanding and the joy of being.

I would be very grateful if you would leave a comment about what impressed you, whether positively or negatively. I am open to different perspectives and constructive criticism. However, if you tell me that even a single idea here has given you hope, for me—and I believe for anyone—it will be the ultimate proof that God works in a marvelous way.

What do you think: can meaning be found in suffering?